the fishtank.

i am proud to report being the FIRST teacher to properly break in the picture perfect BumbleBee® world. the library, play room, and art room that comprise the inside of the glass-walled fishtank have been relatively untouched since finishing construction on the project about a month ago. all of the foreign teachers are smart enough to know that the perfectly arranged bottles of rainbow paint in the art room and the color coordinated building blocks in the play room will not last a second when combined with a classfull of energetic kiddies. of course this is not a worry to the thai teachers, who understand the room for exactly what it is: a moneymaking perfect image for the school. actually using the room would only mess things up, making it look not nearly as nice, so they wisely bring their students, mostly the pre-kindergarten classes of 2-year-olds to the art room and the play room not to do art (too messy) or to play (too fun) but to sit quiety while an “educational” dvd plays on one of the three extra large flat screens that the tank is equipped with.



imagine everyone’s surprise when today, my class of 3-year-olds, surprisingly on their best behavior for such an exciting excursion, comes lumbering in to be donned with smocks, loaded with paintbrushes, and let loose to have their way with the blank white sheets of paper in front of them. i saw the worried glances being passed around from one thai assistant to another as i remove the cute little bottles of paint powder from their perfect places on the spotless shelves to mix cups for each 4-person table of painters. i couldn’t help giggling to myself as i noticed the bright red, blue, and yellow tables were still plastic-wrapped. that technique may work for 80-year-old retirees hoping to keep their new furniture undamaged, but for a school of 300 2-to 6-year-olds, you have got to be kidding me.


my kids definitely enjoyed their painting, but even they could feel the apprehension of doing something they weren’t supposed to. i encouraged their beautiful works of art, even as bright paint spots appeared on the lovely hardwood floors and animal-shaped chairs. we had, after all been told over and over by the school owners to use the room to “do something interesting” with our kids, because sitting in the classroom all day ”has them very boring.” well, i quite agree!


the thai assistants did not hide their disapproval of the messiness of the painting activity i had endeavored. my thai teacher did not hide her irritation at having to help me clean up our paint-covered kiddies (though i smilingly told her to stop, happy to take all responsibility for my happy messes). the owner, watching from outside the fishtank, did not hide his genuine surprise that someone had actually worked up the nerve to properly break in the new space.


even so, it was one of my first genuinely GREAT days at school…no stress, happy kids, and a smile plastered on teacher emily’s face all day long. is it wrong to get such satisfaction from other peoples’ disapproval? is it wrong to get such amusement out of the looks of alarm and disgust caused by my audacity to *gasp* do art in the art room!?! is it wrong to get such happiness purely from injecting a little paint-spattered chaos into their perfect world?


well, it benefits the kids, so i say no, it’s not wrong :)

exam prep

i find out today that the time has come to start preparing exams for my class of 3-year-olds. yes, EXAMS. there’s not even a slight attempt to euphemize the fact that these poor little tikes, already severely deprived of playtime and overloaded with homework after a full 8-4 day of english, thai, chinese, and either extra tutoring or more perfect child building activities like ballet, meditation, thai dance, or taekwondo, are now facing the prospect of a formal written exam, to make sure they properly curl their q’s, know the difference between purple and green, and can recognize that mary’s little white-as-snow-fleeced pet was, in fact, a lamb, not a cow.



i fight hard, really hard, admirably hard, i might say in my favor, to not roll my eyes every other second during this debriefing meeting about the upcoming exam schedule. as the four o’clock meeting drags on and on, and such atrocities are discussed as what workbooks should be chosen next, i tackle the dilemma of whether i should accept this education austerity as a cultural difference, or whether i should really use my knowledge of developmental psychology to fight in favor of the right to play, as the advocate for these desperate kiddies. after all, in the unique pattaya situation of most fathers being westerners and most mothers being thai, it’s not exactly a thai cultural idiosyncrasy. throw in the chinese owner of the school, and the teachers from all over the world, and it’s hard to attribute this educational approach to any one culture in particular. back home, though it is far from my own hippy montessori preschool upbringing, i know there exist a good number of schools forcing workbooks on bouncy little 2 and 3-year-old bodies, as parents recognize the increasing competition for acceptance into good colleges, and even high schools and elementary schools, and simply try to do what’s best for their child.

hail the queen!

mother’s day. in thailand, this holiday is quite dissimilar to the commercialized flower, card, and breakfast-in-bed extravaganza that has developed in the united states. in fact, it is actually a nationwide celebration of the queen’s birthday, who is referred to as the mother of thai people, rather than for the purpose of actually celebrating your own mother. that being said, though the main focus is on the queen, whose face is raised on flags and adorned on elaborate flower displays outside of shops, houses, and restaurants for weeks prior the big day, august 12th is still used to take a moment to pray and honor your own mother via Buddhist rituals at temple, wai-ing to your mother, giving her offerings of flowers, and making donations to the monks in honor of your irreplaceable mom.



…importantly, though, along with any religious holiday comes the elaborate ordeal of day-long performances, celebrations, and opulent displays of entertainment, making for another interesting day as a kindergarten teacher in a new culture.


mother’s day festivities took an equally sizable portion of schooltime (no complaints from me) to prepare for in the weeks leading up to the event as had teacher appreciation day. the day of, however, completely blows waikru day out of the water. i screech my motorbike to a halt outside of the school gates to the welcoming scene of a completely transformed outdoor area (usually reserved for the superficial play equipment), now decked out with such exquisite adornments of brightly colored satin drapings and fairy light-covered ornamental trees and tents housing different activity stations and an expanse of plastic chairs that i might have mistaken the school for a high-class wedding venue.


my assigned position being inside helping the kiddies in their “behind the scenes” preparation before the dancing and singing performances take place for the waiting crowd of parents outside (aka covering them with drag queen makeup and squeezing them into tight satined, sequined, feathered little numbers) is an experience in itself. i don’t recognize half the students with their liberally-applied makeup, and as much as it slightly grosses me out, it is fun to help in the application process.


when all eyelashes are thoroughly mascara-ed and all cheeks properly blushed on all boys and girls young and old, the dance performances begin, and i can’t help but feel a sense of motherly pleasure in watching my little kiddies attempt to follow the simple choreography to the corny english lyrics and indistinguishable –yet surely equally as corny thai lyrics- about the person who is “holding you tight” when you’re sick and “giving you all their love”….


my interesting first experience with thai mother’s day ends with a personal makeshift attempt at offering a jasmine garland to Buddha in the small temple at the school gates in honor of my very own wonderful mother!

muay thai boxing

boys in silky shorts are waiting around casually. only when looking closely is it possible to make out a faint sense of apprehension for the poundings and beatings these muay thai fighters are sure to endure and a well covered up hint of anxiety about putting on a good show of their strength and toughness for their audience.

as foreigners, we pay the 1,500 baht for tickets. farang prices are already double. standard. so we figure we might as well shell out the extra 300 baht for the vip ringside seats.

the twangy exotic music of the live clarinet and bongo player in front of us transport me straight out of the tourist hub of pattaya practically to a new universe, one that i never would have pictured involving thai boxing. if anything the music hints at an atmosphere of snake charming and journeying into an underground aladdin-inspired cave for hidden gold…not that i know the slightest thing about american combat sports to start with, but this atmosphere is already a far cry from the pump-you-up tough guy music and bikini-clad ring girls that i might expect of a typical boxing match.

the first fighters approach the ring in satin robes proudly representing their home training gym. these prepubescent bodies are packed with nothing but muscle. rather than a crowd-pumping self-cheerleading pre-match spectacle, the fighters engage in an enrapturing wai kru ceremony. my only experience with wai-kru being the teacher appreciation day at my kindergarten, this provides more of a comprehensive understanding of these thai religious rituals. we watch as the fighters receive ringside prayers from their trainers, apparently blowing their spirit into their young apprentice to help with the fight, later research tells me. the young boys go straight to their knees and pray in the center of the ring. we watch as one of the fighters performs the elaborate wai kru dance, kneeling in chest-raised exotic birdlike mating ritual positions, wai-ing up and down, and shifting the pelvic weight back and forth in a wave motion. then off to pray in each corner, supposedly sealing off the fighting area from meddling outside distractions and influences. though the show is beautiful to watch, it is clearly for lifting the fighter’s internal spirit and strengthening the teacher-apprentice connection when it is needed most. it is not to humor the audience. i almost feel obtrusive watching the prayer dance.

but then the fighting begins! these first two opponents are only young boys. my maternal worry instinct competes with the thrill of each expertly landed swing and kick as the fight progresses and the crowd of thais gets to their feet in support and entertained enjoyment. our plastic vip chairs in the front row leave just enough room for the sweat flying off the zero percent fat beastly bodies flying around the ring. ooos and ahhhs and indistinguishable thai yells get louder, the exotic fight music gets faster, the hearts pump harder, until the fighters and the crowd near climax, and the bell rings. again and again, the atmosphere speeds, heightens, amplifies, in buzzing swells of collective anticipation. the excitement breaks only for momentary water-dumping on sweaty faces and vaseline-gobbing into bloody wounds. until, finally, the last climactic moment reaches breaking point, and one boy’s now lifeless arm is lifted by the referee for the crowd to recognize their victor.

photo op!

a regular snapaholic with my camera, i often worry if my photo-crazy tendencies while traveling interfere with my hope of always being a respectful and courteous visitor to my host country. after all, the last thing i want is for the camera around my neck to place me in the same category as the fat balding loud sex tourists still not knowing a word of Thai and eating at Yorkie’s best british pies …



a provocative college geography class taken at university of canterbury in new zealand explored the topic of photography as a unique aspect of travel. of course everyone wants photos of the locals when they visit an exotic country. i do too. but the etiquette behind openly photographing someone gets complicated. do you ask first? do you offer payment? do you try to sneak a pic from across the street? or is your camera not even an appropriate accessory for the setting at all? people of some cultures are insulted by someone gawking and taking photos of them simply because they look different. people of some cultures will gladly pose, but then expect payment. some would be insulted by payment. some even have a visceral fear of the camera, because a photo will capture a piece of their soul…


because of these vast differences among cultures, and even the individual differences in opinion that, of course ,exist among the individuals within a culture, i am very wary of taking photos of people directly.


today, however, something funny happened. here i am, on my daily walk home from the beach after watching the sunset and sampling the array of cheap street foodies that roll by on their mobile kitchen carts. i must clearly be looking extra white, foreign, and out-of-place. i don’t know if it’s my semi-sunburned skin or my bright red sundress, but something has made me hear the word “farang” an awful lot more than usual. then, out of nowhere, a middle aged woman i am passing on the fairly crowded beach sidewalk looks at me with pure excitement etched on her face. “farang, farang!!!” she yells excitedly, camera in hand. i am instantly surrounded by other middle-aged thai men and women, seemingly her friends and family that she is dining with on the beach. men on either side of me are smiling at the woman’s camera, which she is happily snapping away. so what could i do? i too smile widely in the camera’s direction, much to the amusement of the crowd of thais congregating in their comparative shortness at my shoulders. the groups shift, so that everyone gets their turn with the apparently very silly looking farang girl. i even put my arm around my last portraitmate, a thai woman, probably mid-thirties, who looks slightly embarrassed by the actions of her companions, yet still excited for the photo op.


i walk away still smiling from such a blunt and unexpected perspective-shifting experience on an issue that i have been muddling over in my mind for years. true, these people didn’t have the english knowledge to actually ask me to take a photo with them. but my clear happy acceptance of their gestures and points at the camera would have washed away any reluctance (if they had any…) nor did i get a proper “thank you” for my modeling services (in fact, i said thank you to them, just because i didn’t know how else to end such a strange ordeal…) but i clearly wasn’t bothered by that either, happy to provide my silly sunburned farang look if it was needed to complete the ultimate pattaya weekend photo op for that family (from god knows what part of the remote hills of thailand they came from, given such excitement at seeing a westerner…).

playtime!

appearances are everything in thailand. as long as things look good, they must be good. (right?!?) take my school for example... the rainbow shine of brightly-colored fun-shaped play equipment screams “safe!” “entertaining!” and “child-friendly” to prospective pattaya parents. to prospective working holidayers delaying grad school for the lure of travel, it screams “quality work environment!” and “child-development-supportive atmosphere!” the lure of this undeniably child-centered atmosphere is intoxicating.



every day the play equipment is laboriously wiped sparkly clean by the same janitor (when i feel stressed out by the 3 year olds running in circles to their own tune of ear splitting screaming, i can’t help but feel guilty of being ungratefully self-piteous when i happen to walk by the janitor, a thai girl around my age, scrubbing the indoor play area floors for the 10th time that day and making sure the red and blue slides are 100% free of dust…). and the outdoor trampoline and intricate slide/swing structure is only five steps away from the complete indoor play area of two extra large play structures complemented with every type of bike, bouncy, and rocking self-locomotion device imaginable. but the school invested another hefty sum for a glass-walled building at the front entrance with a foamy climbing play area, art and craft setup, and library. the full-glass front of the building, being the key design element, of course. parents can see every detail inside to allow the wistful mental image of their happy smocked child sitting and painting with the utmost expression of 4-year-old joy. or the picture of their 2 year old energetically climbing the gushy rainbow play structures, to help assuage the anxiety of leaving them at school for the first time.


one notion seems to have been forgotten in their grand design scheme of theirs. kids are just kids. give them a pile of dirt and some rocks to climb and they won’t hesitate delving straight into their next fire breathing dragon or beautiful barbie princess adventure. they don’t need aesthetically pleasing shapes to their playtime accessories. they don’t need to be clean. or even new. and they certainly don’t need to be sponsored by the happy image of bumble bee® currently proudly announcing its sponsorship at the very front of the new kiddie fishbowl.


but bright colors are nice, and cleanliness is appropriate for the school. the kids are happy, the parents are happy, and the teachers are happy. the only problem is how scared i am to actually use these facilities. i already got the most death stares from all the thai teachers in the kindergarten building when i finally got the ok to test out the unheard of concept of “playtime,” letting my little monkeys go crazy for twenty minutes during the time scheduled for sitting their 3-year-old butts down in stiff-backed chairs for me to teach them “science.” whatever that’s supposed to mean to 3-year-olds. i’m already pretty unconcerned about any uncomprehending gaze sent my way in response to whatever strange teaching technique i might be employing, such as “playtime.” i’m just worried my class of monkey children, who are after all haven’t even reached the ripe and well-disciplined thai age of 4 yet, might misplace a giant primary-colored lego, not stack the foam pads straight enough, or heaven forbid, disorganize the rainbow sheets of paper in the art room. i’m worried our scheduled “playtime” in the giant fishbowl room will result in a show for parents of little rambunctious kiddies running and doing crash jumps into the lego structures, hitting eachother over the head with the foam blocks, and making airplanes and crumpled balls out of the nice rainbow sheets of paper instead of sitting quietly at the table using the paper to create pretty pictures of rainbows and houses. in other words, i’m worried the fishbowl might expose the reality that *gasp* these ARE just little kids! they don’t play in nice organized peaceful disciplined ways, they just go crazy and play because that’s what kids do.

people of pattaya: part one

 all i need for an entertaining weekend night out is a 7/11 beer, a plastic chair on walking street, and when i’m feeling ambitious, my camera, to work on my self-appointed “people of pattaya” photography project. people watching is priceless here. the shirtless man with the hugest beer belly i might have ever seen, ever. i guess he’s right to leave it uncovered, it really is quite spectacular. the ladyboy with the completely unnecessary skirt that doesn’t even cover 2/3 of her butt cheeks. they really know how to make us 100% females feel bad about our bodies, given our genetically inevitable cellulite adorning the upper thighs of even the slenderest of girls. these lady boys prance around with the uniqueness of their particular gender circumstances giving them the best damn ass and legs you can find. not fair! then come the fanny packs. no eager lady-eyed pattaya explorer is ready to go hit the town without this essential accessory that *surprise* apparently didn’t go out of style. bright red mesh on bright red boardshorts. matching pink plaid ensembles. men looking like they wandered accidentally straight from the nursing home. fake boobies at breaking point pushed up out of teeny tops adorning an all-too muscular set of arms and shoulders. and more fanny packs, fanny packs, fanny packs. then comes the sporadic “good guy goes to heaven, bad guy goes to pattaya” tee shirt. just in case you were doubting why this guy is here…

language lessons

every once in awhile, the idea of thai language classes makes its appearance in my brainstorm of ways to keep myself entertained aside from work…then my day to day experiences just living, eating, wandering on the beach remind me that i’m HERE in THAILAND. ha! language school, schmanguage school.



let me tell you how i’m practicing my thai. emily’s guide to learning a language: wander around by yourself. bypass the inviting restaurants that scream: WHITE girl! ENGLISH speaker! WESTERN food eater! come to me! instead, wander quite uninvited into the areas of picnic tables on the dirt across from the beach that bear very few indications of being a restaurant at all, let alone actually being open, or open to serving to clientele like me, for that matter. it’s hard not to feel uncomfortable barging into these areas, because many clearly double as the family’s home in the back. but hey, get over it. stare at the all-thai menu for some time, maybe deciphering a word here and there. inquire in your best thai about your favorite -and few- meals you order in thai. wait smilingly and innocently despite possible looks of whatthehellisthisgirldoing…soon, they realize you’re happy to be there! in thailand, at their eatery (whether it was open or not), and in their company. get invited to sit with drunkhappyoldthai man (only other customer/husband of the cook/my new “buddy”!) add sangsom and soda, and let the language lessons begin! after becoming incapable of looking politely confused at everything the drunkhappyoldthaiman says in slurred thai, and learning some new words from the other nice lady cook, say goodbye to your two new friends (“om” and “noi”). come back on set day (wan sao, aka saturday) loaded with new happy phrases to test and a new dish to order blindly from the unreadable menu!

koh chaaaang.

koh chaaaaang. “elephant island.” after a week of experiencing miscommunication chaos similar to a game of telephone gone wrong between stickler parents, traditional grandparents, giggly ex thai hookers, nosy grandmother in laws, thai teaching assistants, chinese school owners, and too-happy thai principals, i was ready for the four day break for buddist lent. any kind of break. i was not picky at all. that being said, without really knowing what to expect of our planned 4-day excursion to thailand’s second largest island, my sole expectation of koh chang was sitting on a beach all weekend. i didn’t need anything spectacular. no blow-your-mind photo ops or super nice beachside accommodation. just sand, water, and a lack of crazy kiddies running in circles around me. not asking for too much, i thought.


but this undemanding fantasy was crushed right away. seconds after boarding the koh chang ferry, equipped with backpacks full of bathing suits and tanning oil and chang beers in hand to celebrate the long blissful weekend, the island loomed straight ahead with a thick grey mass smothering the peaks of the green mountaintops. oh ya, it’s rainy season. up in pattaya, this means sporadic and crazy rainstorms every day or few days. here in koh chang, resting over 4 hours southeast of our homebase and nearly bumping butts with the cambodian border, the rainy season doesn’t mess around.


poncho-less, flashlight-less, and with nothing but my 3 sundresses to help soak up the monsoonage, my simple expectation of a restful beach weekend was washed away, along with the powerlines, roadside trees, and bright orange clay hillsides of the tiny island. and this made for the best of weekend adventures i could have ever imagined. koh chang trip quickly became an exciting blur of rainforest explorations, wild motorbike rides, elephant encounters, and a twist on the usual backpacker bar scene with the lack of electricity creating a stunning backdrop of candlelight and lightning over the ocean. what more could i have asked for. case-in-point: leave the expectations at home, and you never know when a simple beach weekend can morph into a crazy rain-filled vacay adventure.


our wild ride ripping from the pier to white sands beach hanging off the back of a baht bus over steep and windy rainforest roads takes us to the best deal on motorbike rentals ever: 400 baht for three days. it being the low season, we are struck with good luck on deals. apparently no one else decides to brave the island monsoons for their quiet beach weekend getaways… everything goes better than we can imagine. with teacher misty riding on the back of our speedy little teal and white honda, we roam on paved but nevertheless thrilling narrow and hilly roads down to lonely beach. dangerous enough with our lack of experience on the crazy roads dipping up and down with sharp narrow turns, an abundance of potholes, and no warning of the next obstacle, the breathtaking ocean views between the breaks in the lush untouched rainforest hills makes keeping my eyes on the road quite a challenge! i am already pleasantly astonished by the lack of complete commercialization and overdevelopment of this island, and the tiny dirt sois and family-owned beachside restaurants and guesthouses of lonely beach completes my picture of paradise. here we stumble upon another too-good-to be true deal brought on by the deterring rain of low season: 200 baht a night to stay at paradise cottages. the amazing hammock setup, open-air bathrooms, and simple palm leaf-roofed huts are too good to be true. siah, the owner, is more than welcoming and accommodating. we spend the first day on a nice little foot exploration of lonely beach, finding our instant favorite restaurant/bar: “stone free.” a tree-fort-ish setup run by a young thai hippy couple and their young son pin, whose english skills and work ethic are ridiculously impressive. our love for this family and their amazing food and ambiance is likely not reciprocated to the same degree as we spend the next three days closing the place down after midnight with intense jenga matches then ignoring the close sign (we hopefully assume they just forget to turn it…) as we lumber back every morning for the hangover-curing brew and my obsessive orders of every type of curry on the menu, even before 10 am. at least our combined orders of beers, fresh fruit shakes, tofu, curries, and obscene amounts of american breakfast items hopefully made up for our constant presence in profits…the other noteworthy late night spot we find on the first night is the ting tong, with 4 happy hours of 2 for 1 bucket deals, live music, and 24 hour food service.


day two: RAINforest hiking. (i came to learn, during this trip, the meaning of “rainforest”). as much as i would have enjoyed a more lengthy and challenging hike to the waterfall, the hiking path turned rushing/flooded bright orange clay river makes the short hikes quite exciting in itself. and who doesn’t like waterfalls! more motorbike explorations in our soaking clothes take us all the way down to the bottom of the island to ban bang bao fishing village (fun just thanks to the detail that the entirety of the village is on stilts our into the water) then back up to lonely beach for a wet night of tranquilizing thai massages and socializing with other wet but happy explorers.


day three: elephants! yes, we actually get to swim in rivers with the elephants! my day is just great. afterward, the slow but bumpy elephant-paced trek through the amazing mountainous jungle land is just right for taking photos in the unexpected short break from the monsoonage. my anxiety about the viability of this sanctuary’s animal-friendly claims is not completely assuaged until our ride home next to elephants freely roaming and having snacktime in the grass. with clearly no cares in the world.


we arrive back home to the late afternoon sun in jomtien. with the looming prospect of just another day at school tomorrow, it’s hard to believe i am still so content to be back on my home turf.


oh wait.


i AM in thailand. on a beach. just got back from four days of ripping around on motorbikes past monkeys and watching crazy storms from the safety of my personal beachfront hammock and hanging out with elephants in rivers. can’t let the monotony of the 9-5er let me forget the crazy reality that i am so grateful to be experiencing here in the land of thai…

daycay

the poor teacher’s guide to taking a free ritzy daycay: pool crashing the royal cliff. i am in no way discontent in my poor traveling teacher’s budget place of street foodies and towels on the jomtien beach. if anything, i am glad to not be part of the opulence of the overdone beach resorts that verges on disgusting. but everyone needs an escape every once in awhile! our’s comes in the form of wandering with foreigner confidence straight into the huge glass doors of the royal cliff resort, straight to the overly-cushioned pool chairs. when lounging gets old (not that it does…), wander on over to the poolside elevator –yes, the elevator- that will conveniently take you down to your own private beach. a little excessive, yes. unnecessary, definitely. but transforming every now and then from a goodwill educator of young pattaya half-breed minds to a rich vacationing honeymooner without a care in the world is not so bad!

thai massage

amazing!



thai massages are very different from traditional oil Swedish-style massages that are pretty standard back home. ever since i got to pattaya, where there are 10 massage parlors on every block (most are mainly to complement the prostitution scene, though apparently they still offer traditional massages even without the desire for a happy ending…) i’ve been dying for a good thai massage. like a good poor teacher on a backpacker’s budget, i held off until payday. even though massages are only about 150-200 baht per hour, i’m still in the mentality that treating yourself to a massage is a huge splurge, so i waited. i mostly hear great things about thai massages and people have compared it to doing yoga or pilates without any of the work. i was intrigued! though the motivation was really more fueled from needing to relax my tense muscles after my first month of teaching.


we chose healthland, recommended by several different people as having a really nice legitimate spa atmosphere, but still good prices, which sounds better than choosing one of the random shops on beach road, where you really don’t know where the woman’s hands have been before your body…


all three of us are in the same simple room with mattresses on the floor. we get into our awesome pajama-like outfits to allow full mobility of the limbs. i lay there for the full two hours in complete noodled-out bliss, in a half-dreaming trance of complete relaxation as i let the little thai woman do who knows what to my body. she throws my legs across my body, swings my arms over my head, bends my hands backward, presses my feet into the floor, walks across my back, and pulls my head out of my neck. and man, it feels uhhh-maazing! this splurge might have to be a weekly activity here in the land of thai!

พิธีไหว้ครู wai kru ceremony

as i am finding teaching more of a stress than a heart-warming source of pride and joy, i was quite looking forward to the prospect of a whole day dedicated to honoring the grueling hours us teachers put in for the selfless cause of filling young minds with knowledge. the actual ceremony was somewhat of an anticlimax, given that we spent weeks and weeks preparing for it. not that i’m complaining about the hours of practice that cut into my classtime…the two hours that wai kru practice took out of every few days for the past weeks were definitely the best hours of my day, sitting in the shade watching cute little kids perfecting their bows in front of the teachers really beats standing in front of my class hearing myself repeat the abc’s over and over, intermittently raising my voice every few letters for the necessary exclamations of “sit down!” “no jumping off tables!” and “it’s not nice to hit our friends!” to keep the kiddos at least semi in order. not quite as cute up close in contained classrooms as they are when eloquently practicing their wai kru bows… but after so much intensivepractice to perfect the singing (beautiful!) and line reciting and praying to Buddha and bowing to the teachers and offering the flowers and candles, i came to school on thursday happy to be there, excited for the prospect of a day of ceremony and celebration and festivities, with not even the slightest thought of teaching, only to find out (after having to teach before and after the much too short ceremony) that i had been sorely mistaken in my expectations for the day.



aside from my personal whining about not getting a day off from teaching, the ceremony is beautiful, and the little ballerinas and thai dancers that performed are adorable and i really enjoy the traditional ceremony music. it would be nice if the foreign teachers got informedat least a little about what was going on though. with no real knowledge of Buddhism or thai customs, our small group of farang teachers is shunned to the side of the ceremony, completely in the dark (as usual) about what is going on. we’re used to it. the lack of communication is now understood as a given that comes with the territory.


i later find out, through my own investigations, that wai kru ceremony, or teacher appreciation day, is a traditional thai ceremony held in the beginning of the school year for the students to show gratitude and establish a respectful and formal student-teacher relationship. the ceremony is traditionally held on a thursday as this is the day of brihaspati, vedic god of wisdom and teachers. student representatives present the teachers with offerings of various flowers(symbolizing student qualities of wit, humility, and discipline), candles, and joss sticks presented on a thai tray called a phan. thank god for wikipedia…

budding stardom

well as it seems teaching is clearly not my cup of tea for my traveling woman career choice, at least now i have a fallback plan: movie star. one thing i’ve learned about traveling –and life in general- is that it’s almost (almost!) always a good idea to say yes to invitations and opportunities that come up. (*that “almost” excludes such things as meeting random old fat unnamed rockstars in their homes to “chop romaine lettuce” for romantic dinners of ceasar salad with shrimp and wine. but that’s a whole different story…) so naturally, when we hear movie producers in pattaya are looking for young white aspiring actors to play extras as nurses and soldiers in a japanese world war II movie “oba: the last samurai,” of course the answer is a yes. it’s not everyday you get to dress up as an old-fashioned war nurse after all. the opportunity was so inviting in fact, we deem it appropriate to skip school in order to kick start our acting careers. we definitely made the right choice by playing hooky from work to get costumed in head to toe white nurse garb and get pampered by hairstylists and makeup artists in tents that make us feel like legit professional actors, just to sit in the air-con base camp building with nothing to do but steal snacks and load up on free peanut butter and jelly in between making friends with silly japanese quasi movie stars named kenji, filming our own nurse mystery kidnapping short film, and laughing at “tiger” the not-too-brainy thai extra with a permanent wedgie and horrible pickup skills…) the actual “work” that we get paid 2,000 baht for involves walking from point a to point b for one outdoor hospital base camp scene, then caring for wounded soldiers inside the hospital for another…for getting paid double a day of teaching, free retro hair and makeup, and a boatload of complimentary snacks, it wasn’t too bad of a day!

floating market

pattaya floating market: good prices, not quite as tainted by tourism efforts as i expected, and overall, a very pleasant surprise.



first stop: coconut ice cream. one of my favorites from back home, the thai version is served in a coconut shell with a hearty scooping of peanuts on top, plus an ooey-gooey layer of that oh-so-delicious mystery carnation milk custard product. this can of magic is as much a staple in the thai street food diet as chilis or coconut milk. i’m not going to lie, i was slightly grossed out the first time a can of gooeyness was used as practically ¼ of my iced coffee drink i ordered at the school minimart. but i later notice this can’s role is not exclusively as a coffee sweetener product, but is used as a topping on the popular roti crepe-like pancakes and everything else remotely dessert-oriented you can imagine.


second stop: fresh brew. my love of the excellent thai service -that would never serve a drink without the whole package of glass, ice, and cozy- is taken one step farther. on request that we take our beers with us while we continue meandering and browsing through the stalls, we are made homemade beer cozies. a simple piece of leftover menu paper wrapped around the bottles to keep our hands dry and the beers a teeny bit cooler. how thoughtful!


third stop: fruit. the fresh fruit here is dreamy, and is made even better by the nice way it is always sliced and served with a fresh bamboo skewer, ready for noshing. the only thing that killlls me is the gazillion plastic bags that are insistently wrapped around the purchases…eeeeek!


not so nice: elephants. much to my surprise --after wandering aimlessly through impressive displays of bananas, huge pots of hot toasting almonds, artists delicately replicating scenic photographs, teeny thai women aggressively thai masseuse-ing, and boats serving iced tea and sausages and coconut cakes and fried chicken— we run head-on into two very large elephants. a wave of excitement quickly transforms into a wave of nausea, churning unpleasantly in my tummy with my healthy dinner of ice cream and beer. the only other time i have seen elephants is in their natural habitat of protected wilderness land in south africa. here, on a tiny cement circle with chains on their ankles and visitors paying to hand feed them, these animals look grossly out of place. my friend offers the hopeful comment that they surely take them out and about to play and walk and frolic like free elephants after the market closes up for the night. i nod my head, never wanting to be the one to bust such an optimistic bubble. but instead just feel slightly sick to my stomach, knowing -via comments from thais- that this fantasy of frolicking elephants is hardly the norm for animal treatment around here…

defensive driving

my glorious yamaha fino motorbike has simultaneously been the most life-saving and life-threatening acquirement of my first month as a kindergarten teacher in thailand. fun, efficient, thrilling, cheap (by US standards at least…), and unreasonably speedy, it has made exploring the beachside city of pattaya a truly enjoyable daily after-work activity. my other experiences living abroad have gotten me quite comfortable with a lack of traffic laws, chaotic speedy unlined roads, and even driving on the opposite side of the street, common realities of international driving standards. but here in thailand, it is all taken to an extreme new level.



one tip i receive from a local after first getting my motorbike pretty much sums up the attitude about driving here: just worry about yourself and what’s right in front of you. they aren’t joking. i wonder why they even include rearview mirrors on motorbikes and cars going to thai dealerships. as i speed along clutching my handlebars for dear life, i insistently try to make eyecontact with the drivers around me through the mirror communication network. hoping to convey with my eyes my plea of i’m getting close to you so please don’t erratically change lanes/switch directions/slam your brakes. my eyes never seem to meet their target, as all other eyes are either fixed straight ahead or directed at some other fixation point –tree, food vendor, friend- …on the roads of pattaya, there are much more interesting things to be gazing at than your fellow traffic companions, it is true. so, i learn, as i make turns/passes/change speed/alter direction and do what i need to do to stay on my course, sometimes it comes down to just closing my eyes, saying a quick desparate prayer to Buddha, and just going for it full speed ahead, hoping i don’t end up as nothing more than a cute teal helmet and a spattered pile of goop on the road…

karaoke: thai style

teaching always seems to get me in the mood to do anything and everything besides teaching, so i rarely turn down any sort of invite (provided it doesn't involve little kids or "e is for egg" or heads or shoulders or knees or toes...) so i don’t hesitate in agreeing to meet my coworker friend for a drink downtown tonight. i get lost all over the streets of pattaya on my motorbike en route to meeting him in sunee plaza, enjoying my self-guided tour of the city and stubbornly refusing to call tom for further directions until i at least made it to the landmark i was looking for. a night of family fun on the beach quickly turns to a night of mischief-making in the boys-only parts of town. we enjoy drinks around sunny plaza from the almost stadium-style seating of the small bars, making people-watching the principal form of entertainment. and there is no lack of interesting people to watch. the gay scene in pattaya is hilariously identical to the sex tourism scene of the rest of the city: fat, bald, open-shirted farangs sporting googly-eyes and goofy smiles as they stroll the streets clutching the hands of their young, slim thai companions.



my friend insists this random weeknight is a good excuse as any to make my first-time visit to a thai karaoke bar. we choose j.j’s karaoke, and i’m excited for the rumored selection of more manly-looking guys, as karaoke bars supposedly offer a classier version of the go-go bars to a clientele of predominantly straight women. but right away it’s not quite what i’m expecting… these boys are by no means unattractive. on the contrary, their attractiveness is actually the problem! as row upon row of bored looking boys shuffles out onto the stage, i am immediately struck with one glaring observation: their hair is perfect! i’m almost embarrassed that i hadn’t bothered to throw on a little makeup or put some sort of product in my hair. while i had come straight downtown still in my beachdress with sand in my sloppy bun, these boys had clearly spent the previous couple hours having some quality alone time with their designer texturizer and ceramic flatirons. i am suddenly all-too-aware that the ladyboy next to me is probably horrified by my lack of effort. but her perfectly-mascara-ed eyelashes and unbelievably silky man legs brushing up next to me are more expected. straight boys with a love affair for their hairstyles is something that hadn’t really occurred to me, even here in thailand. my friend explains that gay or straight, male or female, or somewhere in between, getting your hair done is just as legitimate of a nightly activity as beer and poker night for the guys back home. in the company of these immaculately-groomed boys, who could teach the queer eye for the straight guy crew a thing or two about perfectly-polished man-looks, it is very clear i’ll never be able to raise my personal grooming regimen to the scale of their’s. even so, i add late-night multiple hour session at the stylist to the top of my list of things to do once payday rolls around. this is clearly a thai “cultural experience” i need to have…

spontaneous picnicking

i’m starting to feel like a thai tourism promoter, with my unending ranting and raving of the pleasant surprise of the welcoming friendliness that is so characteristic of the people here. but really, where else do strangers randomly get invited to a beach picnic to drink whisky and eat calamari and mussels and watch the sunset with a whole family of eight? there i am, staking out my usual beach spot with a large chang beer, fresh pineapple (สับปะรด sa-ba-roht), and some jack johnson to aid me in an unusually difficult unwinding process after an unusually stressful day of nagging my 3-year-olds to sit down and color instead of jumping off chairs and banging eachother on the head with rulers. maybe the family noticed the exaggerated deep breaths i was taking as i tried to decompress from my day, maybe they thought i looked like a sad alcoholic drinking a giant beer on the beach by myself in the middle of the week,or maybe they were appalled that i had opted to lay down right on top of the not-so-pristine sand instead of springing the 20 baht for a beach chair. regardless, the grandmother, on her way back from splashing on the shoreline with an excited toddler, insists –through random thai phrases i halfway understand and enthusiastic gesturing- that i get up and join them at their chairs. i meet all of the eight extended family members, from the toddler to the two grandmas to the guy and girl around my age that help translate into english the thai questions and exclamations being shot at me from all sides. they somehow are impressed with my language skills after only having been in thailand three weeks (baffling to me since basically all i said to them in thai was “thank you” “teacher” and “bathroom” ). thank god i had just learned this one…i was so excited by the picnic invite that i stretched my bladder to a point of tear-inducing pain to avoid leaving my new friends so prematurely, but am relieved when my desperate “hong nam yoo teenai” leads the girl jane to take me across the street to a secret toilet in the back of her aunt’s pharmacy… after relieving my bladder, i can even more fully enjoy the glassfuls of whisky and soda, mussels in spicy fish sauce, and freshly-grilled squid being eagerly proffered by my companions. finally, thoughts of school and teaching and conscious distressing breathing techniques are washed away, as i enjoy the simple pleasures of a spontaneous beach gathering among new friends…

ใจดี (jai-dee= good heart, kind person)

as soon as i start to settle in to my surroundings and get more and more used to the friendly aspect of the thai people that i love so much, something beyond the reliable smiles and sa-wa-dees (สวัสดีค่ะ) happens, reminding me once again that i really am in an extraordinary place with exceptional people. after embarking on an after-school shopping adventure to central festival, one of thailand’s famous 6-story shopping complexes right on the beach of downtown pattaya, i had a slight issue on my baht bus route back to the home streets of jomtien. to clarify, “slight issue” means that my lack of concern or rush to get home while enjoying the sunset on pattaya beach turned into a 1 ½ hour, 60 baht, multiple baht bus ordeal just to get from the mall back to my condo.



after i have my fill of wandering through shops, wandering on the beach, and wandering from cart to cart of delicious 10baht street food, my ever-so-keen sense of direction tells me that since getting to the mall involved one straightforward baht bus ride, i would just get on a bus going the opposite direction and be home in no time. well since the road i took there was a one-way street, i have to switch roads to be going back in what *i thought* was the right direction. i of course never bother to confirm my excellent logic with another passenger or even the driver, despite knowing absolutely nothing about the baht bus routes in this part of pattaya. after my first driver kicks me off of his bus (the first time this ever happened to me i was deeply insulted and took his abandonment of a young girl on her way home at 4am as a personal affront, but as i know now, this is customary when there’s only one passenger left so that the driver can backtrack his route to the more economically-worthwhile areas…), i am not disheartened in the slightest, and see my change in direction as an opportunity to really see the sights of the streets.


i board another bus heading the opposite direction, and end up (surprise surprise!) right back where i started, at central festival mall. by this time it’s starting to get darker, and the more pressing issue of my hunger is really starting to set in (since apparently the mini fried coconut crème pies I bought didn’t provide enough sustenance to substitute dinner…). so, i board one more bus going in the opposite direction again. this time i make sure to tell the driver “jomtien beach,” but he says he doesn’t go there, and i'll have to stop and change buses. ok…so i just ask him as nicely as possible to please stop when i should change buses, figuring that i'll just take it from there. this request gets a response of raised-eyebrowed silence, him not even bothering to tell me that “hey, lady that’s not at all how this system works.”


to my relief, i am quickly joined by another passenger, and immediately i bust out my longest –but most useful!- thai phrase yet: kuhn-poot-pa-sah-ang-git-dai-mai-kah? (do you speak english?) this time, i am in luck. amazingly, the beautiful thai woman wearing a short blue dress and clutching a matching rhinestone-studded purse not only understands my (surely) poorly-pronounced survival phrase, but returns my plea for conversation with a smile and some broken english of her own. though she is on her way to walking street (surprise surprise!), i tell her my dilemma, and she assures me that she’ll show me which bus to take. relieved, i get off with her on walking street. i thank her again for her offer to help and wait for her to point which direction to go. instead, she grabs my hand and totters her way across the uneven pavement in high spiky heels, me trying to keep up. we cross several streets grasping hands like long-lost lesbian lovers(with me of course having no idea where we are), then make it to a baht bus that she nods to in confirmation. not leaving my side until i am actually safely onto the back of the crammed-full truck bed, i am wishing i could more fully articulate my appreciation for her help. i repeat my kop-kuhn-kaahhh (สวัสดีค่ะ) several times as smilingly as possible. i watch her spring back across the street toward the neon signs of the go-go bar action and am so thankful for the nice people in this country.

monsoooon

now entering wet season. well, personally, i was under the impression that wet season was a given and universal concept here in thailand, owing to the fact that since the day i arrived my body has been perpetually soaked with absurd amounts of perspiration. the only time around here that my body isn’t completely drenched with sweat is when i am actually in the water, either at the pool, at the beach, or in one of my frequent cold showers.



the only moments up to this point that have cooled the air down just slightly enough to avoid the constant perspiration have been the few short, evening thunderstorms that hit as i'm already snug in my bed ready to rest up for an early morning of teaching. that was my idea of the “wet” season. pleasant, warm, short-lived tropical rain showers, with beautiful displays of lightning reflecting off the dark waves on the beach.


but no. i learned, following my adventurous decision to go out into friday night’s lightning storm rather than calling it a good excuse for a quiet night at home, that by “wet” season, they actually mean monsoon. i learned that during monsoon season here, you should probably go out in your waders (why wasn’t this on the packing list?), to avoid wading through the dirty water of downtown pattaya in a short dress and sandals. i learned it’s probably wise to go out earlier rather than later so as to get stuck inside a bar watching the action comfortable and dry with a drink in your hand rather than stuck on the street resembling a saturated dish rag. and don’t even think about driving your motorbike unless it has a hidden duckmobile feature.


though the decision to opt for a baht bus rather than taking the motorbike downtown was motivated by reasons of safety and convenience rather than weather, it became instantly clear that we wouldn’t have made it farther than five minutes down the flooded streets. from the refuge of the roofed baht bus to walking street, i could observe the flash flooding on the streets of downtown pattaya with wonderment. thai girls in clubbing attire up to their knees in dirty street water. boys pushing flooded motorbikes out of the way of the slow moving traffic. shopkeepers in ponchos keeping the creeping water levels at bay with industrial-sized mops and grim expressions of having done this same act countless times before. no one –including us- letting the predicament of being virtually underwater upset a perfectly fine friday night. wet season or not, here in pattaya the show must go on…!

school.

life as a kindergarten teacher is not all daisies and butterflies, i’m coming to learn. in fact, it’s starting to require at least 4 cups of coffee a day just to maintain the required energy level to be the english-speaking spectacle in front of 20 pairs of wide and curious 3 ½ -year old thai eyes. …that statement is not very accurate however, as it portrays an image of quiet and eager-to-learn young pupils. in reality, though, the wide and curious eyes are situated directly above quite active thai-babbling lips, ice cream-dripping chins, pants-peeing crotches, and itty-bitty legs with enough stored energy to climb the custard-yellow walls all day and night.



i knew coming into this job that teaching would never be my true calling. at least not this type of federal curriculum-led math, english, and science for a whole classroom of students. much to my surprise, my deep-seated love for bambinos and enthusiasm for helping to foster young development seems to be betrayed by this particular age group, which seems to offer the least optimal combination of qualities. their attention spans are so short that you’d think they were nonexistent. they don’t know enough english to be concerned in the slightest by such teacher –induced threats as “sit down and be quiet right now or no snacktime for you!” making my abilities for control or discipline –essential assets to have any success as a teacher- absolutely null. thank god for my thai assistant, who screams so loud the poor kiddos start crying, and i feel thankful my thai isn’t good enough yet to understand her piercing words, allowing me to sit quietly in the corner and prepare my next lesson.


the school in itself is quite interesting. started by a young and ambitious young couple barely 4 years ago, it now consists of about 300 students between the ages of 2 and 8, full english, thai, and chinese language programs, two shiny rainbow indoor and outdoor playgrounds, a beautiful outdoor swimming pool, and after-school offerings of everything from ballet to piano to muay thai boxing to meditation, to create that perfect well-rounded child.


the really interesting part though, is the clientele of such a school in such a location. in other words, when a city is built on go-go bars and sex tourism, what kind of bambinos emerge to attend such a school? well, all i can say is that the standard meet-and-greet required of all the teachers every morning makes for a slightly entertaining start to the day. young 30-something thai mothers arrive, decked out in classy business attire that says “I’m on my way to my career.” this carefully chosen wardrobe doesn’t fully mask their wild past –or present!- life working in the pattaya go-go bar scene. maybe it’s the flashes under the clothes of bodies starting to lose their vigor though clearly still tight from all-night table dancing. or maybe it’s the too-high heels that no sensible businesswoman would be parading around in. or maybe i'm just biased because i know the stereotypical way to make money for thai girls in this town is to give lap dances and shoot ping pong balls out of unimaginable places. or maybe it’s the fact that I saw two mothers of students out and about this weekend on walking street, drunkenly frequenting their home bars in tight neon dresses…


if there was any doubt about the reality of these interesting family dynamics, that would be instantly eliminated when daddy comes to do the afternoon pickup: 60-something, balding, generally overweight, and sporting the same shorts and Hawaiian tee shirts he arrived in 5 years ago when he realized all of the hard-earned money after a dull business career back home should finally be put to good use buying a new wife and a new life in exotic thailand. don’t get me wrong, though the image is undeniably comical, these dads love their children and are committed to them. i've had many dads approach me just in the past week expressing concern for their child and indicating desire to do whatever needed to help in their education and development. “how is lisa’s coloring lately? i'm retired, you know, so i have nothing to do but play golf and help her with her coloring…” …pity that such dedication will barely last into their child’s teenage years, given that by then the daddys will be senile in wheelchairs, while their wives leave them at home with the kids to go have a ladies night back at the old go-go…